If you find that you are feeling sad, depressed, angry, upset or any rage of strong emotions, you are entitled to your feelings. But there’s a problem.
Just because you feel something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is accurate. You might be scratching you head right now and asking how can this be; how can it be that emotions and feelings are not the same?
Well, here’s the problem. You can’t always just go with your emotional states. Emotions occur automatically but may not be in ‘real time.’ Past experiences will arise that may not be attributed to the current situation, such as having a fear of something. If you look back, you might have been 10 years old, but those emotions imprinted on you; once an emotion is felt, it sets the ‘tone’ that relates to your present circumstances.
This is why you must challenge your thoughts to see if they are real. As humans, we develop defense mechanisms, that are meant as a protective barrier, but they can skew our way of thinking and looking at situations we encounter. Our thoughts are our thoughts, with our own perspectives.
Your feelings, while being completely owned by you, have two dimensions. There is the subjective dimension, which is what you are perceiving deep down inside. But there’s also an objective dimension to it, to try to see if from an outsider’s view.
The next time you feel an intense emotion that leads to a negative thought, take time to reflect on how true that thought is; for example, you see someone in a store and they look at you, but you think “they don’t like me” which leads to an emotion, such as sadness or anger. If you take the time to challenge that thought – how do you know they don’t like you? – you would see that it is not true and can go on about your day.
A good exercise is by Byron Katie, called The Work, where you ask 4 questions:
- Is it true?
- Is it absolutely true? (you can’t say yes to anything)
- How do I feel when I have this thought? (identify the true emotions, putting a name to them)
- How would I feel if I didn’t have this thought?
It’s a powerful tool to challenge and change your perspectives that lead to strong emotions, which can zap you emotionally. You do have choice in which thoughts you keep and which you throw away. Another good way is to write the thought down, which can give you a clearer view so you can better adapt.
“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” (Brian Tracy)
