Well, I (we) made it! 30 Days of blogging, 30 ideas, 30 articles – I hope you found them informative and useful to both your personal and professional life. I have to say that it seems somehow surreal – time really did fly by now that it’s over.
I wonder if you are feeling the same – that your activity became easier and easier. That’s the beauty of doing small steps; they now become part of your daily routine and a habit is formed. Positive habits are what we’re aiming for (at least I am). From there, self-confidence increases to know we can achieve anything, and our outlook becomes one where we embrace our world, and all that is in it (whether good or ‘bad’).
So, I’m feeling very accomplished and I hope you are, too. Step up to the podium and accept your gold medal. See the accolades (you can envision the crowd clapping and paparazzi flashing those cameras) and savor your moment. It’s good to have you in the Winner’s Circle – Success!
In a perfect world, when we experience hurt we would be able to get over it and move on. We would not feel resentment towards the person we perceive has disappointed us in some way. That’s right – when we get angry at someone else, it is because that person did not act in a way that we wanted or would have. We look at situations from our perspective, often forgetting that others have their own way.
In the workplace, we often get disappointed on a daily basis:
- I didn’t get that project I knew I was perfect for
- I didn’t get chosen to be on the superstar team as I’m a great fit
- I didn’t get asked to lunch with the guys
- I didn’t get that promotion
- My boss seems to like ((*&% better
- I am so disappointed in myself that I didn’t finish my work on time
The list can go on and on. These types of ‘hurts’ can call up our inner child, who may not like what it hears which then leads us to feeling anxious or angry. Depending on how we’ve learned to cope and adapt to stressful or unhappy situations is how we will respond. As our defenses kick in, we then pile this current hurt to ones from the past and soon may start to get angry and feel resentment towards those we feel have wronged us.
We know turn those hurts into:
- (*^& took that project from me (now I will ignore them)
- I didn’t want to be on that team anyway (now I’ll act icy to them)
- Who wants to go out to lunch with a bunch of losers
- My boss is such a jerk and doesn’t know what he’s missing out on (I think I’ll leave this job)
- I don’t want to be a brown-noser like ((*&% (or maybe I will)
- I should give it up – I’ll never make anything of myself (my father, teacher, etc. was right)
If these sound familiar – and they should as we ALL have these types of thoughts – then it’s time to release them and let them go. Holding on to them aren’t serving you, even though that inner child will cling to them with all their might. There comes a time in our lives when we have the realization that something must change and look inside to see why we don’t get asked to lunch or not getting recognized by the boss; perhaps it is how we present ourselves or we do not look open to others.
Past hurts can seal ourselves in a tomb of which we are the keepers and controllers of both ourselves and others. We don’t realize the level of control, and sometimes power, we wield over our emotions and behaviors, as well as those of others. When someone didn’t do something we wanted, and we get angry with them, it is because we wanted things our way, thus being in control.
One of the best ways to release past hurts and negative feelings is the Release Exercise (Doreen Virtue):
Take paper to write on; I recommend going outside to do this exercise as being in nature opens us up to receiving. Ask the question: “What am I holding on to that I need to release (let go of)? Then allow yourself to free-write, with no limits or judgements. When you’re done, look one last time at all the crap you’ve been holding on to and then burn the paper. It is very freeing as you watch those words burn. They no longer have any control over you or the way you think/behave. Now, your perspectives will change to be more open and positive, you will take more responsibility for your thoughts and actions, and you will no longer worry about what others are doing (which is freeing in itself). You may have to make some amends, however. But you will live more freely and authentically, which is when great things happen.
*Don’t forget – the push is on – two more days until the Challenge is over. You got this!
Today is Sunday, the day which has been known as ‘the day of rest.’ Back in the days, this was a day of family and taking it easy and doing fun activities. Minimal stores were open, forcing the family to be together. This practice helped workers to get prepared for the work they did in the following week.
High Performers know they need to step back from their ‘busyness’ and get organized and prepared for what may lie ahead. They take time to create good activities, which then become good habits, which will allow them to relax, rest, re-up their motivation, and have good systems in place so they don’t have to think of what they should do to step back. Sir Richard Branson and leadership expert, John Maxwell, all have their own practices in place – if you want to be a high performer, wouldn’t you want to do what the experts do and create more success in your life?
Here are some suggestions to get your creative ‘juices’ flowing:
- stretch – this is a great way to relax and let go of negative energy, particularly before you get out of bed
- gratitude – being thankful for what you have changes one’s outlook and being more positive
- journaling – writing down thoughts and feelings to release and make sense of them, as well as capturing situations that occurred in your day, is a great way to reframe negatives we perceive and reframe them to so we feel more in control
- clean – as much as we may not like it, cleaning is a great way to get rid of clutter, germs and negative energy
- spending time with family and friends – bonding is important to our soul
- hobbies and fun activities – engaging in fun activities, or our passions, stimulate our creative brain, which elevate our happiness
- review our past week – this a great way to see how much you actually got done, what needs to be done, and what needs to taken forward
- set goals for the week – the best way to hit the ground running, which high performers do, is to know which direction to take to maximize your energy and productivity. You will know exactly what needs to be done and when
- affirmations – the way you talk to yourself is either uplifitng or depleting so lifting yourself through the use of small, short sentences is a great motivator and esteem-builder (I am great, I am accomplished, I’m a wonderful speaker/boss/mother, etc.)
One of the biggest roadblocks most of us experience, and which causes us to feel anxious or depressed – or even angry, is comparing ourselves to others. ‘I’ll never be as good as they are’ ‘They’re so much prettier than I am’ ‘The boss likes him better than me.’ Having thoughts such as this can hold you back from achieving your goals and stepping into your greatness.
I remember a story I heard a while back of a woman who was feeling very sad, unable to sometimes get out of bed to go to work; it seems the woman did not feel she was valued at work, reporting that other coworkers seemed to get all the accolades. She constantly worried about losing her job. Ultimately, she did after her performance lagged in her constant comparison and worry. She actually took herself out of the game, so to speak, by not believing in enough in herself and her value to show them to her organization.
Frankly, I see this over and over again – a business owner who is suffering as they tried an approach someone else did but was a ‘fit’ for their type of business; a job candidate who never goes after a promotion as they don’t feel ‘good’ enough; the manager who is overbearing to his workers, who he feels inadequate from some of his employees.
Feeling less than comes from comparing ourselves to others, which we learn early in life. It can start with a parent ‘encouraging their child to get all A’s in school as their sibling was able to, or we get scolded for something but then see our parents do the same thing. The typical brain response is to attribute an event to ourselves when we can’t make sense out of what we are being told, since our young brains are just learning how to process and sort information. Right and wrong are also just developing. Over time, we tend to believe these thoughts which seem to embed deep in our psyche.
We then feel inadequate, not good enough, and worry about any type of criticism. The results can include a host of emotional problems that may not be so transparent to others but leaves us dying inside. That little voice inside is always there for some, while for others it rears its ugly head during times of high stress or when confronted with situations that make us uncomfortable, such as when going for that promotion or even in our daily work-life. Cognitive dissonance comes into play as we search out for ‘evidence’ of those thoughts, so the coworker who walks past now becomes the person who doesn’t like us.
So how do you overturn these detrimental thoughts and stop the comparisons? I’m going to say that it won’t be so easy as these types of thoughts are deep in your brain and are now a habit. It’s the unlearning that will take time but there is hope – all is not lost:
- Begin by assessing your situations for when you find yourself in a comparison mode; pay attention to your feelings as those will appear before thoughts in our awareness. By paying attention to what areas you feel inadequate or not good enough, or your self-esteem drops, this will allow you to go back and reframe both mindset and actions and will feel more capable when you are faced with these emotionally trying times
- Work to resolve past hurts, as it was hurtful when you were compared to someone else, even when done in a positive manner. Parents, other family members, and even teachers – those early influencers – want to motivate and have the best intentions but may not realize the impact of their words. Take ownership for how you feel, forgive, and let go. You will feel free and so much better
- Validate yourself – you have a lot of good within, i.e. skills, interests, abilities, passions, etc. Brain research shows that for every negative thought we have, we need three positive thoughts to override it so take a cue and write down at least three positives attributes about yourself; these can include: your physical appearance; hobbies or aptitudes you have; passions you pursue; compliments others give you; actions you took to enhance someone else’s day or provide help; or when you were able to figure out or fix something on your own (a process at work, changing the oil in your car, etc.), or when you stepped outside your comfort zone and took action.
The key to unlearning and changing behaviors lies with being committed to the change and then being consistent in your new actions so that new habits will begin and then become the new habits embedded in the brain. Make a vow that this is one habit you will stop right now (the ‘next’ 30 day challenge?).